So if Life's a race...what the Hell place am I in?

It's 5:20 in the morning...and I'm still awake.

The last few nights I haven't been able to sleep. I don't know if it's the meds of if it's just all the crap that's running through my head lately. But it's something and something that's gotta stop. I like sleep. I do. I miss sleep. I feel like that guy in the commercial where the astronaut, beaver and Abe Lincoln are tell him they miss him.

Boy wouldn't that be an interesting dream? Wish I could have it.

Anyway. Well lets see...I haven't posted since Easter but since I pretty much saw everyone who's important to me on a daily basis I really don't see a reason to play catch up. Life is life, for good or ill and we just have to go with it and trust in God and have Faith that it all adds up one day.

I guess that's something that's been keeping me awake lately. It's like my mind wont shut off, and I think off all the things that have brought me to where I am now. All the choices that have brought me here to this point in my life. And I'm still searching for meaning.

I'm the kind of guy that likes to know everything, I like to be clued in on what's going on. To the point of annoyance. So if you see me asking for gossip or hanging around when by all rights I should have walked away and gone home (aka loitering annoyingly), it's because I have this obsessive need to know what's going on around me and to the people I know and care about at all times.

And then I process. Or I try to. It's not like I'm going to go and run my mouth of about every little secret I hear. In fact it gets stored away and, more often than not, forgotten. I find that part of me very annoying, and yet I can't get rid of it. I find it annoying that I get annoyed when someone doesn't tell me something that someone else has shared in confidence. How wrong is that?

What the hell am I rambling about anyway? Was there a point? I don't know honestly.

Knowing things! That's what I was trying to get to. I like to know things. Like "where is my life heading?" It annoys me and obviously keeps me awake at night on occasion. Usually I just let it go, I take a breath and let the feeling that I'm missing something flow through me and relax. I haven't been able to do that lately. I feel like something's missing, some crucial part to life that everyone else seems to be clued in on except me. The part that comes with a job that you love, a nice place to live, money to pay the bills...all those material things that people say doesn't matter. Well in a way don't they? I do admit that I have one thing figured out, that of Love. I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful marriage and as the song goes "All You Need Is Love".

Never really been a Beatles fan...

So why is it that I get a feeling every now and then that something is terribly wrong? Have you ever had that? This feeling of unsettledness (is that really a word? No says Spellchecker)? That feeling that somethings profoundly wrong somewhere but you just don't know where or what? Or am I just going crazy?

I'm talking a little crazy.

Ok a lot of crazy.

It's just that the idea of the fact that I'm 30 years old now and I need to grow up and do grown up things and be responsible and not have a lackey job and be in a solid secure place in life and have kids and not be this happy-go-lucky guy who still thinks of life in terms of a 20 year old college student who's upset at Life because he doesn't get a Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter break and yes, Dear Sir, you do have to work year round to put food on your bloody table with a roof over your head so the food doesn't get wet and the wind doesn't take the napkin and blow it about the yard for the neighbors to stare at you like you just littered all of Louisiana with your napkin. And yes, Dear Sir, you have to work hard so you can pay the electricity bill so you can have cable and internet so you can entertain yourself because if you didn't have TV or Internet you'd go even more insane than you have already. And I stop and I think to myself, "wow...that's really sad that last line isn't it?" But it's true! Just one hour without power is like a fracking eternity. In five minutes we're wondering just how long the food in the fridge is going to last and if we should cook it, but what the hell are we going to cook it on if the electricity is out? Why the bloody hell did we not get the place with a gas stove? What? Afraid we'd blow ourselves up are we? Ok then, what furniture can we lose to make a fire then? Well the dining table's made of fine wood, but Mother gave that to us and she'd be heartbroken to know we chopped it up for firewood...but we must eat! I mean the power's out for God's sake it's not like the world just ended.

Why do I think of these things? Why is it stuff like this that keeps me up at night? Why am I anxious for December 21, 2012 to come just to see what happens? And why am I already disappointed when the logic side of my brain says that absolutely nothing will? If you miss the reference click here.

I guess it just boils down to wanting to know if I'm doing the Life thing right. Because there are times when I seriously doubt it that go along with the days when I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing could ever go wrong.

The Staffing Specialist at Willstaff that got me my job, Rhonda, asked me what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be. And aside from the snarky remark of wanting to be an astronaut I couldn't think of a thing. So to answer my Title question, I'm certainly not in first place, but I'm certainly not in last either. I'm somewhere in the middle. And perhaps I'm not satisfied with that anymore. Race drivers, runners and cyclist all have strategies and team mates that help them get from the middle to the top, and as much as I like to think I'm a pretty smart guy, I can't seem to come up with one of my own. But as long as I'm not one of those fellows in last I'm satisfied for now. No need getting all depressed or anything, I really do have a good and blessed life and I know that. I just wish I could have something other than a middle life if you take my meaning. I want to feel accomplished.

Oh look...daylight.