What is it about staring at a blank screen that intimidates a person. I haven't written a blog in a long long time. And I mean a real blog, not some two paragraph whine fest about how I don't have time and crap. So here I am...trying to write something. It's not that I don't have anything in my head that needs to be put to screen, it's just I find myself losing interest.
Man I don't know when the last time I updated Xanga was (January 20th), and you can forget about Myspace, though I do need to mention something about my Dollywood Rejection Letter. And cross post that on Facebook.
It's funny how life is. It's good to some, while to others it just seems to have it out for them. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I have a good life, I know I do, but sometimes I think it could be better. They always say that you have to go and grab life by the cajones, but what happens when life kicks back at you and ends up giving you a black eye? You're not down by any account, but now you and life are facing each other, wondering who's going to make the next move. I feel that's where I am right now.
See, I got this job. It's a great job. I feel like I can go places with it. Then my supervisor disappears one day - says she has some issues she has to work out and moves off to Atlanta. I come back from sick leave and find her gone. Her stuff is still on her desk, and I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. She and I were our department. So I just keep on doing what I was hired to do. It's still a great job, not too demanding, but now I feel expendable because the original reason I was hired is gone and now it just seems like I'm doing work that supposed to be done by other people. Ok it's not a feeling - I literally AM doing work that other people are supposed to be doing.
I'm a firm believer that God gives us signs. Subtle and not so subtle hints that he's watching and caring and leading us on the path he would like us to follow.
I audition for Dollywood. You've all read the account so I'll not go back into it. I prepare myself for either outcome. Yes or no my life is sitting on a crossroads. As the weeks roll on, I accept the fact Kim and I are staying here. The rejection letter was still a blow. Even when I was opening the envelope, I knew it had been too long for me to get this for them to have decided to hire me, but I still had hope. At least it was done nicely. Impersonal. "Nothing against you, we just can't use you." I wonder if Tokyo Girl (my audition buddy) made it. I wonder how I didn't. What could I have done better? Was I not country enough? Did those guys who were dressed in jeans, boots, a cowboy shirt and Stetson hat make it, even if they really couldn't sing? Or was my voice just not what they were looking for?
So what now? Every 7th and 23rd of the month I get a paycheck that lets me know I need to stick with this job - but I can't shake this feeling that they're paying me to do redundant work and they're gonna realize the amount they're paying me is not worth the small payoff I'm giving back - no matter the quality I'm so very hard trying to keep up now that I'm all by myself. Kim and I are living with my parents - something that we can fix now if we only had the time. Hell, there's a lot of life that Kim and I need to work on that I'll not bore you with if only we had time.
To sound completely pessimistic I feel like I'm back in the limbo I was in just a few short months ago. Maybe I convinced myself that Dollywood was exactly the fresh start we needed and that the Divine Guidance was giving me all the signs that pointed to that new life.
Perhaps there's a hidden lesson of humility or trust that I need to learn by not being one of the "chosen".
I'm a firm believer in signs. So what are they telling me now?
4 comments:
Tony, you are very talented. There's no doubt in my mind that someday you will have your dream role/job. So don't give up on your dreams!
Keep on clawing and climbing even when it seems like you're not making any ground. You will reach to the top. Then you'll be able to look back at the lean years and go...wow, that's when I really grew the most.
I feel that same way very often in my life. Actually the past couple of years were exactly what you describe. Just now in the past 3 or 4 months have I been able to regain peace of mind and do what I wanna do. What makes me happy. And yes, everybody picks on me b/c I don't have a job right now but to me, money isn't everything. I get to hang out at the theatre all the time, laughing, meeting new people, acting like a moron, etc. But it's what makes me feel whole. Try your hardest not to be your own worst enemy. You're Tony!
I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! A
I am sorry that you didn't get the gig at Dollywood. I am a firm believer in "things happen for a reason". Unfortunately we may not always know the reason until much later. Don't give up on your dreams.
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